


This is it

by catstiel-and-deano (Letmefall)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comfort/Angst, M/M, Season 11 Finale Speculation, Season/Series 11 Spoilers, bunker!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:30:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6962605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letmefall/pseuds/catstiel-and-deano
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>| This, Dean thinks, this is it. This is how he is supposed to die: serving as a fucking bomb.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is it

**Author's Note:**

> I just needed to get that out of my system before the season finale airs tonight. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up at the moment, so I'm keeping myself busy with writing. I hope you have fun!

_This_ , Dean thinks, _this is it_. This is how he is supposed to die: serving as a fucking bomb.

Not that he’s all too surprised by the plan that left Chucks mouth as soon as he has gained consciousness. Hell, it’s safe to say that at this point they are really out of options. They have nothing left. And maybe that has been Chuck’s plan all along. Maybe he was just too chicken to say something.

Yeah, Dean may be a little bit pissed but surprisingly – or maybe not so much – Dean is as ready to go as he is ready letting his family go.

Which means, he doesn’t want to die. He’s not ready, not even a little bit. Hell, he was ready or at least okay with him being the sacrifice years ago… but not _now_. He wants to live. He wants to retire, to watch Sam get wrinkles and grey hair and if he wants to hold the hand of a certain black-haired someone, that’s none other than his business.

And it’s exactly this circumstance which makes this whole plan ten times scarier than it would sound if Dean is ready.

What if he dies for real this time? With no options to come back? No time left to say all the things he has left unsaid because he was too afraid, too stubborn, too blind?

It’s all crashing down on him now. All the chances Dean didn’t take. He feels the familiar burning of tears at the edges of his eyes, feels a pull at his heart and a huge stone in his stomach.

 _I’m not ready_ , he thinks but what he says is: “Always happy to save the world.”

His words stink of sarcasm and irony. He spits them out like poison right into Chuck’s face. Dean is not smiling, he’s grimacing. That much he can feel.

Sam has to feel it too because his little brother looks at him with tired eyes. He asks him _‘Why has it always to end with one of us dying?’_ without actually speaking. Dean doesn’t know the answer so he avoids his gaze, trying to keep his shit together.

„I’m sorry, Dean“, Chuck says and Dean would like to punch him in his face. But it’s God, so Dean settles on one word that has to be enough.

„Don’t“.

It seems to shut him up because Chuck looks away and screw it if he has just barked at God himself and hurt is feelings. He simply needs time right freaking now. 

Maybe a drive with Baby could ease his nerves. He could drink a few shots at a bar nearby ignoring that his life is ending for real this time and that the only other person worth living for besides Sammy has silently stumbled out of the room shortly after the glorious plan had been formed. He has just left. Without a sound of protest Without a hint of emotion.

He just left like he used to and _fuck_ , Dean won’t run after him. That wouldn’t be like him. It’s unmanly, John had always preached. Real men don’t chase after their girls. Don’t show your love, it’s gonna come back and bite you. It’s the thing that breaks you in the end and makes you weak.

Except, that’s exactly what he does and it may be not the man John wants him to be but it’s exactly who he wants to be.

After a short silent exchange with his little brother who just nods knowingly he walks past Chuck and makes his way upstairs to the garage, automatically checking if he got his phone in case he would have to track Cas down. Because he would. Without hesitation. That’s how bad he has it and it’s actually okay.

But as he arrives, Cas is there. He stands outside the garage in his stupid trench coat and it’s such a relief for Dean to actually see that look on Cas – on _his_ Cas – again that Dean almost trips over his own feet.

Cas looks at the dark sky, unmoving. Just a lone figure, like a chiseled statue and he draws Dean in like no one else has done.

He is beautiful like this.

„Cas, hey - “ Dean begins but stops abruptly as his lips form the familiar outburst of his denial and swallows his favorite b-word. It’s not buddy-time. It never has been if Dean is being honest.

„Dean“, Cas sighs but doesn’t look at him. Dean chokes on the sound of Cas’ voice because damn, he hasn’t heard the low grumble in months. He has missed it, missed him and he isn’t sure how he should survive an eternity that doesn’t contain Cas.

Dean wants to tell him all that and a hell of a lot more but instead he settles on a whisper of „You left.“ He isn’t so sure himself which time he actually addresses.

It’s too late. They should have talked sooner. Hell, they could have had years together making it work again. Now they have hours – if they are lucky.

This is it and it’s simply not enough.

He needs more time and he doesn’t have it.

Maybe that’s the world’s way of showing him the middle finger for triggering a few apocalypses and tricking death like it’s child’s play. The realization makes tears stream down Dean’s face. It makes his heart ache so much that he fears it mike burst into pieces.

„Dean, come here“, he hears Cas say and Dean does just that, almost missing Cas‘ outstretched arm.

He knows what his dad would call him if he were here but he isn’t. It’s just him and Cas and so he takes his hand. They smile in unison when Cas intertwines their fingers but something stings again and Dean’s vision begins to blur _freaking_ again.

„I wanted to be useful“, Cas begins. „I wanted to protect you. Every time I left I wanted to feel worthy of you and of Sam. Of your patience with me, of your trust. It was easier with my powers but even then I still felt like I didn’t belong to your family, like I had to earn that place. I felt so alone and when Lucifer told me he would be able to defeat Amara, I was sure I did the right thing and nobody would miss me. I never wanted to make things worse. Especially not for you.“

Dean nods. Tears are still leaving his eyes. He gets why Cas jumped head first in his suicide mission. Since then, there hasn’t been a day when he didn’t pray to Cas, hopeful and afraid at the same time that he may actually hear him.

„You heard me?“, Dean asks and takes Cas‘ hand because he’s shaking like a teenager in front of his crush while asking them out to prom. As soon as Cas squeezes back, his nerves calm down.

„Of course. I will never - “

He feels Cas begin to shake and when he looks up he finds that Cas is crying too. The sight breaks his heart. He has never seen Cas cry. But now his blue eyes are huge stormy oceans, troubled, desperate.

“Cas.” Dean says and his voice is soothing. He puts his arms around Cas, holds him tight. Cas does the same. He holds on for dear life.

Shit, this is it. And the finality brings John’s judging voice to a halt for good and Dean places a soft kiss on top of Cas’ head.

“I will never not hear you, Dean”, Cas whispers, voice still full of sadness.

“Profound bond?”, Dean asks with a smile that could almost be teasing if the world wouldn’t end in a few hours. They could have had it all, built on this old memory which has become so important along the way. It’s one of the things that has kept Dean going, that has reminded Dean why he fights and why it would be stupid to give up just yet.

He feels Cas nod before blue eyes are staring into his own. Their foreheads are touching and Dean almost forgets that by tomorrow all Cas will have left is a memory of him. The thought puts Dean on edge and he brings his hands to Cas’ face, memorizes every part of it.

“I will keep fighting. I’m not ready to die.”

Cas looks stunned and thankful. Dean can tell that he’s has not expected that from the guy he saved years back from the pit. The guy who hasn’t considered himself as worthy. But things have changed. Dean has changed. _They_ have changed.

“You are not alone. Not for one second. I’ll be waiting.”

Dean smiles, caressing Cas’ face. 

“You got yourself a deal, angel.”

 _Yes, this is it_ , Dean thinks as he looks at Cas. _Right here, right now, this is it._

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is always open for you (catstiel-and-deano.tumblr.com)
> 
> keep your head up tonight :-)


End file.
